1. The Journey of Grief

As mentioned, these are thoughts, feelings and situations that have occurred since his passing. It's a minute by minute journey, with many ups and downs. I'm sure the tone changes will testify to that. Some may seem selfish, but are just a momentary snapshot in time.

So, after tearing my hair out trying to work out how to work this site, I think I'm getting there!

2. Setting aside a bit of time now to move a few of my notes from scraps of paper to here, so they are in one place.

The night that call came in will forever haunt my dreams. A call from our daughter in law saying she had been phoned by a lady (we still don't know who) on his mobile saying there had been an accident and even that there appeared to be no sign of life! She could give no exact location, only an approximate one.

After rapidly sorting child logistics for us and daughter in law, we headed to where we believed the accident to be. Constant calls to both police and hospitals garnered no information as to how he was and what hospital he had been taken to. I was convinced we'd find him sat up in a hospital bed somewhere looking sheepish after a silly error of judgement caused a crash and a few cuts and bruises.

We arrived at the rough location, only for it to feel like a needle in a haystack. At that time we managed to get an incident number from the police, why if it was just a fender bender?! We were then given What 3 Words for the accident and told that officers on the scene would tell us more when we got there. 2 places with the same name only 20 minutes apart, we had gone to the wrong, closer, one. Why were we to be told when we got there, not what hospital he was in. I could feel my heart breaking at that point.

As we ascended a hill we could see blue lights across to the left, at that point poor my wife, his mother, burst into screams and tears of heartache and disbelief and what we might find. The road was closed off, so we moved the cones aside and sped to the scene. 

What followed was not only the most heartbreaking moment of our lives, but one of frustration and disbelief. We were stopped by the police and asked many questions, they would give us no information of where he was, how he was, was he alive, what had happened, was it an accident, was he injured.......the questions and worry were endless.

Eventually we were told that he had tragically passed away, were split up and quizzed by the CID due to it being a sudden death (fear that the CID were only called in for major crimes), then told he was still in the car, no we couldn't see him. We were numb with shock. Later to be told that there was no sign of injury on him or the vehicle. What had happened to our poor boy? 

We were told we wouldn't be able to see him as when the coroner's ambulance arrived they would need to search him and the car and we would be able to see him at the chapel of rest in a few days. No way were we going anywhere until we had seen our first born.

The car was in sight on a gentle bend, just past a lay-by where we were parked, I just could not fathom how or why it looked to have just gently pulled over on the bend. Surely if he had felt poorly he would have stopped in the lay-by? I paced the road, no sign of skidding, or sudden reaction.

The hardest part of the evening was still ahead- missing texts from his brother and sister begging for an update on how he was as I had promised to phone to let them know he was OK. They were with family and scared. I had to phone them to let them know their poor brother had passed away. I felt the rest of my heart break as they screamed and sobbed in disbelief; not being with them to hold them is indescribable.

Some hours later we were finally allowed to see him. His wife went first, he was beside the car on a stretcher, covered in a white sheet. His mum and I then went next, on what felt like the worst nightmare walk of our lives. My legs were like jelly and shaking with fear. I weakened and had to walk the last few metres behind her, begging her for I not to be him. It was. We stood either side of him, stroking him, kissing him and my wife resting her head on his chest in floods of tears.

Nobody should ever have to go through this.

He looked at peace, the only saving grace. Just as if he had fallen asleep, no visible pain.

All I kept worrying about was that it was chilly and drizzling and that he was getting cold and wet. I wanted him safe, warm and dry.

We eventually left as he was taken to the hospital to then go for postmortem.

The longest and quietest 90 minute journey. Dropped daughter-in-law home to try and get some rest and let their children know when they awoke in the morning that their father would never be walking through their front door again. How do you explain to young children that their father has moved on? In the following days they would walk to the front door expecting his return and hugs as was routine. More heartbreak.

His mother managed to get a shirt of his from our daughter-in-law into which she sobbed all night long, until eventually exhaustion took hold and she fitfully slept. She has held it tight every night since.

Still cannot believe I am having to form these words and sentences.

3. Sleep. Fundamental and taken for granted. I'm sure everyone has suffered from sleeplessness at some point, I have with work and money related stress. The grief of losing a child is like nothing else. Laying awake for hours, trying not to move so my wife doesn't know I'm awake, or as not to wake her should she be sleeping. Replaying every conversation and situation of their lifetime. The guilt of not being there when he passed away, did he know how much he was loved and how proud of him I was? How could I have been a better father. Daytime passes like a zombie and sleep eventually takes me, I think mainly through exhaustion. Waking suddenly when realisation hits that it isn't a bad dream. Guilt about forgetting for a short period of time.

4. Whilst awake that dreadful night I wrote this for him, based on our amazing relationship-

If you love someone, tell them

If you’re proud of someone, let them know

When you think you’ve told them enough times, do it once more

End every call with ‘Love you’

Embrace every opportunity to see friends and family

You never know when it will be the last

5. Turns out I haven't sussed it, as this page doesn't show up! Grrr.

7. Funeral taking place next week. Having looked around the abbey @ the school he once attended. How am I supposed to carry the coffin? How does anyone hold themselves together long enough to do this and make it through the funeral. I'm terrified.

8. The response and support from friends old and new has be overwhelming. Support from directions we couldn't have expected.

Be prepared for those who you thought would be there in a heartbeat to be noticeable by their absence. People just do not know how to react and what to say. I have learnt through this experience that should it, god forbid, happen to someone we know, that I would reach out immediately. There is nothing anyone can do, but knowing you are in others's thoughts is comforting.

Also be prepared for people to cross the street, avoid eye contact or actively avoid you. Don't take it personally.

9. Food.

Something as simple as cooking for the family loses all interest when something like this happens. Thank goodness for friends. We had countless meals dropped round, which were a life saver. Curry, cottage pie, lasagne...easy to reheat and comforting.

10. The heartache of the post mortem coming back as inconclusive is unbearable, no obvious reasons or signs. Samples being sent for testing. Trying not to think about what I know happens during this process.

11. Funeral catering.

My goodness, why is it that weddings and funerals command such a premium? How many people do you cater for, what do you offer, do you have booze......? Half the people there you don't know and will never see again.

12. Just found a watch he bought me many years ago, it was only in my bedside table. I’ve never worn it, but have no idea why. Hope I didn’t seem ungrateful at the time. Can’t understand why I wouldn’t have used it.

13. We went to every Foo Fighters tour since Hyde Park together, it was our thing. We used to sing My Hero at the tops of our voices, saying we were both each other’s heroes. He can be seen at various points on my shoulders in the Hyde Park DVD. 

14. He once painted a beautiful portrait of Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters with his head bowed and forearms raised, showing the feather tattoos.

Above were lyrics from These Days, simply reading- ‘One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat’. 

Feels so cruelly poignant. If only I knew what had happened to the picture.

15. Gave my wife a digital photo frame for Christmas, full of photos of him. Tearful appreciation. Has been comforting ‘having him with us’ in the kitchen/diner when we are cooking and eating.

16. The friction between the 2 women in his life, mother and wife, is difficult to navigate. Only about arrangements, emotions are so heightened at the moment.

17. Despite being surrounded by loving support from family and friends, I feel very alone

18. To our local vicar who lost a child some years ago

‘Please tell me this gets easier in time’

‘No, but you learn to live with it’

Not the reply I was hoping for

19. The funeral was a beautiful send off. 200+ guests in attendance. Totally overwhelming. So many friends from past and present that came along to see him on his final journey. Despite being an emotional wreck, I managed to carry the coffin in and out. It was both enormous and incredibly heavy! Won't tell anyone that I put my back out carrying it; the isle was very narrow so we had to twist ourselves to get between the pews. The threatened storm held off and the sky was actually blue.

20. So incredibly proud of his teenage brother and sister. His brother read a poem, which he was determined to do from the moment our hearts were broken. His sister did all the flower arranging, they were stunning.

21. Just a very small number of immediate family for the cremation. Really hate crematoriums, so impersonal. Like being on a conveyor belt. As it wasn't a proper service we only had 15 minutes to say goodbye. I was doing so well until the funeral director opened the doors as the first bars of his and my song began belting out. Became a jibbering wreck, both sobbing and laughing simultaneously.

22. We've had the verdict from the Coroner. Had feared it would be months, but was only just under 7 weeks. Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome. I've always hoped he passed without any pain, this should give some comfort but doesn't really. Feels so real now.

23. Spent yesterday evening reading the Coroner's report, including the autopsy. Fair to say it was 'detailed'!! Glad I did, but wish I hadn't in equal measures.

24. Having to put a brave face on for the public is so difficult. In fact it's exhausting. I'm all peopled out.

25. Was just driving along and found myself sobbing uncontrollably, no idea what set me off.

26. Feel so guilty for being cross at him. We've discovered he had a medical a few years ago which apparently showed an arrhythmia, which in typical him style didn't get reported to his GP and treated. Used to be in awe of his 'ah, it'll be fine Dad' attitude to life, now I'm having my doubts. Would he still be alive if he had gone to his doctor?

27. My head really isn't with it. Not only have I turned up at the dentist on the wrong day, but also got the wrong day for picking his sister up from school late.

28. 2 months today. Cannot stop crying, which is rather awkward at work. Thankfully we ony have a handful of staff.

29. Well, he's home. Or at least our half of his ashes are. Never held ashes before, they're surprisingly heavy. Mixed emotions about being comforted by him being back with us but obviously strange too. 

30. Said something I shouldn't have to my wife, left my mouth before I thought about it properly. Said that we could never be 'passionate' again with him in the bedroom with us. We'd both already expressed worries that he may well be watching us from heaven and his parents being amorous really isn't something anyone should ever see. We aren't religious I should add, just clutching at straws in the hope that there is something beyond death.

31. We had a drinks party at our house on Friday evening, inviting those who have been there for us the most over the last couple of months. Was all very overwhelming if I'm honest. Put a brave face on but wasn't in the mood for drinking and definitily couldn't face saying the few words of thanks I had planned to.

32. My wife is worrying me. She has been so strong since it happened, but now we aren't waiting for/planning anything, has really taken a dip. She was meant to go back to work yesterday (self employed), but couldn't face it and felt wiped out with exhaustion.

33. Both very up and down this week. Feel like I'm running on empty. Burst into tears at my desk for no apparent reason.

34. One great source of support and comfort is an acquaintance who used to live a couple of doors down from us, but moved away a few years ago. They sadly lost their eldest son four months ago, so are sadly in this club too but ahead of us. Her words are as if we had written them ourselves. She strongly advised against being strong and to let emotions in; she admitted to doing the opposite and it hit her very badly. She has been messaging regularly. I'm attempting a blended approach and failing miserably.

35. A friend popped into work today to see how we were doing. Told me I seemed to be coping remarkably well, did admit it was all a front!

36. Tattoos. I've never been a tattoo person, not because I disapprove but more that I wouldn't know what to choose as they are with you for life. He had a tattoo that he had done when he was a teenager, which we tried to encourage him to have removed thinking he was too young and would regret it. So trivial in time. Now I feel I need to recreate it, or pseudo Dave Grohl feathers but Angel feathers on my arms. Is it weird I'm thinking about using some of his ashes in the ink??? Not even sure if that's legal here.

37. My wife and I have a married couple who are incredibly close to us. He was noticably absent to begin with, but when he did pluck up the courage to come round the week after was so awkward I couldn't help but smile. I told him I had a broken heart and not leprocy, so no need to avoid me. We went for a pint and he couldn't even look at me, was being so daft I gave him a hug and he burst into tears. I had phoned him that night from the scene but he didn't answer, I know he's struggling with that. His wife has also been there for my wife throughout, but hasn't mentioned it. I had a tipsy conversation after the England 6 Nations match last weekend and she admitted to thinking she had been useless as she simply couldn't discuss the subject. I told her they were both the centre of our friendship group and she had been there constantly. Be prepared to have to comfort those that are there for you. Often the ones who care the most just cannot begin to talk about your grief as they cannot comprehend it being parents too.

38. Very bad day today, nothing necessarily triggered it but I've been really short tempered and impatient, which isn't like me at all.

39. Thought I may get some sleep last night but likely only an hour. Heart racing and brain working overtime. Resorted to the Kindle to alleviate boredom.

40. My day job, if I haven't already said so, is in the hospitality industry. So difficult keeping up appearances when in fact I don't want to have to be happy and pleased to see people all the time. That's not meant to be disrespectful to customers, it's just exhausting. There was a band playing at our local pub tonight, so we popped down. The place was packed! We squeezed through to the bar and I could't cope so turned round and left. I'm all peopled out. Just realised I've already written something similar before, apologies.

41. My wife's birthday. Been a horrendous day, feel incredibly sorry for her. She woke up in the early hours sobbing, clutching his shirt that she has has slept with since the night he passed. A rollercoaster of emotion today for her, trying to put on brave face for friends (at what should have been a lovely lunch out) when in reality she was hurting so badly inside. Her sister and sister-in-law round this evening, just eneded up with the three of them in floods of tears in the kitchen for hours.

42. We really do just wear masks.

43. Seems so cruel when others are, understandably, getting on with their lives, when you can't seem to move on with yours. Some seem to look at you as if it's unnatural for you to still be grieving nearly 3 months later.

44. Finally admitted to myself that I'm in denial. Cannot accept I won't see his smiling face, say 'love you' to each other or hug him again. Why am I unable to comprehend this? At the same time I'm heartbroken too. Just doesn't make sense.

45. I'm unintentionally known by my wife for leaving it late to sort her birthday presents, or them turning up late. I put a lot of thought into what would be a touching and appropriate gift this year. We have an incredibly talented friend who is a sculptor and he's kindly agreed to create something based on a poweful photo of our son. I got a call a couple of days before her birthday to say it wasn't quite ready; no problem I thought, certainly didn't want to rush him. Told her something was coming but that there was a slight delay, to which I of course got the comments of my always being useless! Now, I'm a week late and obviously can't let on what the gift is or why it's late and can't chase our friend as I know it will be sensational when it does arrive. I'm also somewhat concerned how much it is going to cost, probably should have confirmed that first. Oh well, worry about that later!

46. Didn't seem to sleep too badly last night, depsite some very odd dreams including being chased by a gorilla, but was awoken at 5am by my poor wife sobbing again. This time she was clutching his ashes in bed.I feel so desperately sorry for her and would do anything to take away the pain. We've been through so much together in over 30 years, yet I am lost as to help and comfort her.

47. Why didn't I feel anything that night? Why didn't I sense he was in trouble or in pain?

48. Keep thinking about the witness reports. One lady came forward saying she drove past when he must have just rolled off the road. She explicitly said when she saw him he was clearly in distress. Why would she not have stopped to help, or called for assistance at that time? She also said she drove past again and the car looked empty. That was because he had slumped over!  It was only later she went back again to check, by which time others had found him. How many people unknowingly drove past him when there might have been the minutest chance of saving him. He must have been there for about 4 hours before he was found, 6 before we got there and probably 10 before he was removed from the car and we were able to see him. So many missed  opportunities.